Proximity or distance? How to shape professional relationships as a manager

“Since I’ve been in management for the first time, I’ve been increasingly concerned with the question of the right balance between proximity and distance with my people,” says Thomas after we’ve started our first leadership coaching session. As the recently appointed head of a team of IT specialists, he is a top professional — but for the past few months, he has been intensely preoccupied with the question: How much closeness can I show my employees without losing my professional distance and authority? How do I manage professional relationships effectively, especially when I’m new to management?

Social distancing. Still a thing?

Why this article is just right for you:

Do you know this, too? You were previously part of the team that you now lead. You want to create an atmosphere of trust in your team, but at the same time, be respected as a leader. Likewise, you may be asking yourself:

·      May I ask about your private life?

·      How do I react when employees confide in me about personal problems?

·      Where do I draw the line?

Leadership coaching for balancing proximity and distance: Thomas’ story

The situation in which Thomas[1] finds himself is exemplary for many new managers. There is a good atmosphere in his team of 10. However, a situation recently arose that unsettled him: an employee – with whom he had already worked as a colleague for a long time – asked for a personal meeting and opened up to him completely. Family problems, financial worries, health challenges — everything was put on the table. Thomas listened intently, albeit with growing unease.

In the weeks that followed this conversation, it became increasingly difficult for Thomas to give the employee critical feedback on his work performance.

This is where a finding from research comes into play. The 2017 article on “Leadership Proximity” by Ghinea & Cantaragiu emphasizes how crucial the balance between proximity and distance is to be both effective and respected as a leader.

To explain closeness and distance, Ghinea & Cantaragiu use the image from Jonathan Swift’s book “Gulliver’s Travels”. When Gulliver is in Lilliput, everything is very close, and every imperfection is visible:

• Proximity makes objective decisions difficult and can blur boundaries. The separation between professional and personal relationships becomes more difficult.

• It can even lead to micromanagement, as the manager intervenes in day-to-day operational details and takes away the employees’ personal responsibility.

• Conversely, too much closeness also allows employees to recognize possible weaknesses in the manager. This is not a bad thing per se. However, it can have an impact on the perceived authority of the manager.

Of course, proximity leads to more effective and faster communication, strengthens trust and the sense of community within the team, to name just a few of the benefits of a certain proximity of managers.

Thomas could have reacted differently. In the sense of: “I’m sorry about all this for you. But that’s private and none of my business. I expect you to do your job and stick to your goals.” That would probably be a very distanced response to the employee’s statements – and the opposite of the Lilliput effect: the Brobdingnag effect. In Brobdingnag land, Gulliver is in the land of giants and everything is very far away.

With this aloof attitude, Thomas would most likely have taken a risk,

• that the employee does not feel valued and withdraws

• that Thomas is perceived as unapproachable and disinterested

• that Thomas has less influence on the daily work and the emotional climate in the team, which in turn could affect productivity and motivation.

The coaching process

1.      Role clarity

In coaching, we worked together on a new perspective. Instead of “setting boundaries”, we discussed “developing role clarity”. Not only does that sound more positive, but it also opened up new ways of thinking and acting for Thomas.

It was important for Thomas to realize that he did not have to choose between “close” and “distant”, but that “both” was the solution. This works best when he can use different leadership roles to suit the situation. When his employee told him about their personal problems, he felt he was in a dilemma: as a person, he wanted to help, but as a manager, he felt that too much closeness could be problematic.

💡 Coaching insight: Closeness and distance are not opposites, but tools that you can use in a targeted manner depending on the situation!

There are many different role models for managers. Sometimes, there are four roles, sometimes seven or even nine. I have been working with five roles for many years and have had good experiences with them.

This role model, based on Dave Ulrich, Norm Smallwood and Kate Sweetman’s Leadership Code, has helped Thomas to recognize the different “hats” he can wear depending on the situation:

As a people manager, they can show empathy and understanding for the employee’s situation and point out support options.

As the executor, he nevertheless keeps an eye on the performance targets and ensures they are met. This may also mean that he relieves the employee of work assignments at this time until he can resolve his family situation.

As a self-manager, he was able to perceive and recognize what was happening to him and become aware of the situation. That’s why I love this model; it looks at this one additional aspect.

Thomas was also helped by what I call the “Leadership Role Journal”. He made notes in the evenings for several weeks:

• What role was I in today?

• What other role could I have played?

• Where did I feel safe? Where did I feel unsafe?

Are you also interested in this role journal? You can download it here for a small fee.

2.      Develop the ability to change roles and balance closeness and distance

The unique thing about role orientation is the understanding that these roles are not rigid, but allow you to consciously decide which hat you want to take off or put on. You don’t have to be perfect in every role, but you should be able to consciously decide which role is appropriate in which situation.

💡 Coaching insight: clearly separate backstage and stage: Use “backstage” moments to prepare yourself and show professionalism on the “stage”. This will keep your leadership role symbolically strong.

The ability to take on a role appropriate to the situation helps you to develop a balance between closeness and distance. 

3.      Strategies for managers: role clarity and professional relationships

After several coaching sessions, Thomas developed his own style:

1. Understanding closeness and distance as a balance: In coaching, we reflected on the point that it is not about completely distancing yourself from the team and its employees. Thomas will continue to maintain an informal exchange with them. During coffee breaks and lunches with the team, Thomas can be approachable and also reveal things about himself. At the same time, it has also become clear to Thomas that he cannot or should not solve his employees’ problems. As a manager, giving feedback to employees is part of his role.

2. Developing role clarity: Instead of “setting boundaries”, we focused on first recognizing leadership roles and then “filling them with life”. Thomas learned how to conduct private conversations empathetically while still maintaining a focus on the professional relationship.

3. Communication as a tool: We practiced clear, transparent communication to formulate both criticism and support in such a way that trust does not suffer.

4. Separating backstage and stage: In coaching, we used the backstage and frontstage concept to show Thomas when and how he can withdraw professionally in order to maintain distance without appearing cold.

5. 5Showing empathy without losing boundaries: Being close and on good terms with his team, helps Thomas to build trust and show understanding and compassion for his employees’ challenges. He learned how to listen and respond empathetically to his team’s emotional issues without compromising his authority.

💡 Practical tip: Create a support map for employees in challenging (private) situations. What internal and external points of contact are there in your organization? This overview will give you confidence in difficult conversations.

Your next step: How to develop your balance between closeness and distance in leadership

Reflect for yourself:

• In which situations do you feel torn between closeness and distance?

• What would be a first small step toward greater role clarity?

Let’s stay in touch.

How do you deal with the balance between closeness and professional distance? Share your experiences in the comments. Your story could help other managers to find their way.

PS: Did you like the article? Then, share it with other managers in your network. Together, we can grow with our challenges!

[1] Thomas actually has a different name. But he agreed to let me tell his story here.